I read some more of my book this afternoon, The Center Cannot Hold. While I was reading the voices started talking to me. They told me they wanted me to give up on my Buddhist practice because that was what started the fight between me and the Mafia. I think they mean when I was chanting last year to get rid of them [the voices]. They also said my Buddhist practice is what makes me think that I have the power to fight them. They said that if I didn’t stop chanting, they would kill my husband. I stayed on the futon reading until 5. I felt frozen. I didn’t want to get up and do my exercises. I eventually got up and sat down to chant. They kept talking to me, and telling me why I should stop chanting. I kept chanting. I sent a message to John and told him that the voices told me to stop chanting or they would kill him. He called me a few minutes later while I was still chanting. John reassured me, and said that he would be leaving work in 10 minutes. I chanted until he walked through the door.
When John came home we talked for awhile. I told him about how I didn’t want to get up off the couch, and what the voices were saying to me. He always says, “You know they aren’t real don’t you?” Of course I know that, even if sometimes I have my doubts. In the past they have told me that I don’t have schizoaffective disorder, that they are real people (i.e. the Mafia, my neighbors, former roommates, etc…), and that they can hear my thoughts. I am also able to hear them in my head, like telepathy. This morning, someone was asking why they are able to hear my thoughts. That’s another symptom of schizophrenia, the feeling that your thoughts are being broadcast into the environment.
We talked for a little longer, and then John went to take a shower. He asked me how I was feeling, if I was still nervous. I told him I was still a little nervous. I guess the fear and the worry from earlier hadn’t worn off yet. Sometimes I feel like my voices are evil, and that there’s a perpetual darkness enveloping my mind that follows me around everywhere, putting others around me in danger. I told my Kaiser therapist that the other night at our appointment. That was years ago when I thought that the Mafia was following me around, endangering anyone I was with. She reminded me of how delusional that idea was.
My ideas are still delusional. Fortunately, I am usually able to ignore them. My husband worries about me, but really I am only worried about him.