Absolute Victory! Challenging the Voices

buddhism, lotus flower

I’ve been having a hard time dealing with the voices over the past few days. It seemed to start last Friday morning when I went to visit one of my new Buddhist friends a few miles away. We had set up a time to chant together with another woman at 10am that morning. Since it was the new year, I had made a determination to rid my life of the evil voices once and for all. With three of us chanting together in unison, we were a pretty powerful positive force, yet I still heard the relentless shrieking and screaming of the voices the entire time we were chanting.

With every breath I took, I focused on my prayer. Every sentence of my prayer that went through my mind while I chanted Nam Myoho Renge Kyo, I heard repeated in a screaming, shrieking male voice that sounded like it came from outside the house. It was infuriating and I became enraged. I prayed “for absolute victory, no matter what,” and the voice screamed at me, “Don’t forget no matter what!!!!” I prayed “for absolute victory, as soon as possible,” and it shrieked maniacally in unison. I worried about my Buddhist friends. What must they think? Certainly they must find the constant yelling as disturbing and frightening as I do, yet I said nothing.

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Military Jet Moffett Field

We talked briefly after our chanting session, and when I left I was still angry. Over the weekend, I realized that I had become less tolerant of the incessant screaming and the constant whispering in my head. Instead of ignoring the voices and concentrating on something else, my writing, my Buddhist practice, or my family, I became irritated and occasionally enraged. Yesterday morning I spoke with my psychiatrist and we decided to add another anti-depressant to my 20mg Celexa prescription. I had been taking 40mg of Celexa up until about a month ago, when we reduced the dosage to 20mg. I realized that I was also feeling more irritated over the holidays in December while visiting my family. It just didn’t occur to me that the reduction in dosage might have been the cause. Now, I am taking 200mg of Wellbutrin in addition to the 20mg of Celexa. I feel confident that this will help me ignore the voices and manage them more effectively, rather than letting them get to me and overtaking my life as they did in the past.

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