Sometimes I think I hear a voice(s), but am unable to distinguish if it’s just in my head, or coming from someone in the apartment complex. Sometimes it’s difficult to tell the difference. Even when the voices are just in my head, they sound very real, and often very loud. Sometimes I will hear a voice, and then not be able to determine what I heard. Occasionally, I will just forget what I heard when I try to recall it the next day, or even later that same day.
This happened today in the morning while I was chanting. I thought I heard a voice or two, but I couldn’t distinguish what they were saying, so I ignored them. Now, when I think back, I’m still unsure of what they said. I think it’s probably better this way. I’d rather not be able to hear anything at all, and if I can’t quite make out what the voices are saying, then it’s for the best. My husband usually asks me what I hear when I tell him that I’ve heard voices that day. I tell him, and it’s always the same type of thing that they are saying (e.g. we’re going to file a lawsuit, stop chanting, we’re going to kill you’re husband, etc…). I think that if I do hear something, and can’t understand what they are saying, then it’s just as well, since most of what they say is nonsense anyway.
Sometimes I think I should be listening to what the voices are saying, or that if I ignore them, I might miss something. I don’t really believe this anymore. I find that if I am consciously listening to what I hear in my head, it makes it that much worse. I have often become so caught up in what I am hearing in my head, that I stop paying attention to what is going on immediately around me. If I am with my family, I find it hard to focus on what I am doing. If I am with my husband, I’ll get distracted. In order to stay “in the moment”, I find it’s much better if I completely ignore what I hear in my head, and not worry about what I don’t understand or what I might have misunderstood. Then I can pay more attention to what is important in my life, and stay in the here and now.
I decided to start volunteering. I will be working with an elementary school student once a week, helping him/her practice their reading skills. I think it is a valuable way to spend my time, particularly since I am not working full time. Reading, and also writing are two of the most valuable skills we have. They will stay with us throughout our lives. Excelling at reading and writing can even give us an advantage in certain instances. For example, with college admissions essays, a well-written essay can make the difference between an acceptance letter and a rejection letter.
I think I really benefitted in high school by having a mom who was an English teacher. My mom would always proofread my English papers, helping fix my grammatical errors so that I would learn how to write better. I think my mom’s proofreading really paid off. I often get compliments on my writing, and I think it was due to my mom’s help, and also all the time I spent reading when I was young. I’ve always thought, that the more you read, the better you will write. This may not be true for everyone, but it certainly helped me.
My husband is encouraging me to put my blog into a book format, as a sort of personal story about living with schizoaffective disorder. He says there are not many personal stories out there written by people who actually have this illness. There is quite a bit of information written about the illness (by doctors, psychiatrists, therapists), and written about people who have the illness. I’ve found a few other blogs written by people with schizophrenia and schizoaffective disorder, but not too many books. So far, I’ve found only one.
I decided to order a book that gives information on writing book proposals. I thought I might give it a shot. I have a little bit written already here on my blog. Maybe it won’t be too difficult to put a book proposal together and submit it to an agent or a publisher. I guess I’ll find out!
I read a quote today by Daisaku Ikeda, the president of my Buddhist organization. The quote reads, “Without opposition there is no growth. It is hard to argue with that logic. A state in which we are free from problems or constraints is not happiness. Happiness is transcending all opposition and obstacles and continuing to grow.” This made me think about my own circumstances, and my attitude toward the obstacles I’ve faced over the years, particularly at this point in my life. Our own happiness often comes down to how we view our circumstances. For example, do I see my illness as something negative that I must simply put up with, or can I use it as a source of growth and learn from my experiences? Sometimes the ability to transform our attitude makes all the difference in our lives.
I often think that if only I didn’t hear voices, then everything would be fine. Learning how to manage my illness, and using obstacles and difficulties to learn and grow from allows me to achieve a greater state of happiness that I never would have reached if I had not experienced those problems.
I was waking up from a nap this afternoon. I was thinking about jobs that I’ve had in the past, and about the possibility of applying for a new job in the future. Although I think I would prefer to work on my writing, and try to make money that way, rather than working at a traditional job. I thought about a pet store, and a coffee shop that I had worked at in the past. They were both jobs I had thought at the time would be “fun” jobs, where I could really enjoy what I was doing, and enjoy the people I was working with. Both, however, came with their own type of stress that was unique to that job. The pet store had a manager that nobody could get along with, and the coffee shop had its early morning rush every day.
While I was thinking about my previous jobs, and wondering about the future. I heard a voice blurt out, “You’re not allowed to have a job!” At that moment, my mood changed. I became irritated and angry, that someone (albeit in my head) would have the nerve to say that to me. After all, who are they to determine what I can and can’t do with my life. For some reason, these voices have a tendency to try to tell me what I can and can’t do, or sometimes, what I should or should not be doing with my life. It makes me angry, and is often frustrating.
When I was working last year, occasionally I would hear voices at work, and I thought that they were trying to get me fired from my job. I could hear voices that sounded like they were talking to me from the other side of the wall of the building that I was in, and it would make me nervous because I didn’t want my supervisor to find out. I thought my voices were calling my work, and trying to get me fired because they were mad at me for chanting. Sometime during the spring/summer of last year, I chanted periodically for my voices to go away. I believed that this had made them mad, so in turn, they tried to get me fired from my part-time job. I worked for the same company, but at two different locations. One in the morning, and one in the afternoon. It turned out that I did end up getting fired from the one in the afternoon, although they claimed it was for financial reasons. The location where I worked in the morning, I ended up leaving because they reduced my hours so drastically that it hardly made it worthwhile driving the distance to work.
When I hear voices telling me that I’m not allowed to have a job or earn any income, it does make me angry, but I don’t pay any attention. I ignore what they say, and continue on with my day, and now that I have a blog, I write about it. This is much more productive than sitting around dwelling on what they say, and getting frustrated and annoyed. I hope that in the future I do earn a respectable income from writing, and this is what I am going to continue working at.
Yesterday at my group therapy session we talked a little bit about what it means to do a “reality check”. We were discussing the different kinds of symptoms that we have, and how our symptoms can cause paranoia and anxiety. Our group leader encouraged us to do a “reality check” as a way of confirming that our fears (or paranoia) are unfounded and not based in reality. I shared an experience I had a few months ago before I went into the hospital, when I was experiencing extreme paranoia.
I was hearing voices quite a bit during this time, and one morning I got upset with what I was hearing. I heard someone (a voice in my head) say that if I didn’t move out of our apartment complex, they would kill my husband. They had also been making similar threats if I didn’t stop chanting. They said they had filed a lawsuit because my chanting offended them, and that many of them had complained about it to the management of the apartment complex. Apparently, the apartment complex managers had said there was nothing they could do (about my chanting).
The morning I heard that threat, I became fed up, and decided to do my own “reality check”. I walked down to the leasing office, and asked the women there if anyone had ever complained to them about my Buddhist practice or my chanting. They asked me what apartment I lived in, and then said no. No one had ever complained about me, and if they had complained, I would have been notified. This was quite a relief. While it did nothing to prevent me from hearing the voices in the first place, at least I was reassured that what I thought might be true, really was not true, and had no basis in reality.
My husband always checks with me to make sure that I don’t start to believe in the voices that I hear in my head. He wants to make sure that I know they aren’t real. I think that by encouraging us to do our own “reality check”, our group leader is helping us to realize and believe for ourselves that our symptoms are just that: symptoms of an illness, and nothing more.