Monday night John and I went to our couples therapy session with Pete. We had a good session, although the sessions are one and a half hours compared to the previous 50 minute session I was used to for individual therapy. Still, I really feel like couples therapy is a great thing for both of us and for our marriage. I realized after our therapy session that I still hold a lot of anger and resentment toward the voices. I also tend to get overly angry at other people for little or no reason. I don’t usually say anything to anyone, but I dwell on the perceived injustices perpetrated against me, and hold to my anger. I really need to make a continuous effort to keep my mind from dwelling on things that make me angry. Sometimes it might be something as simple as a brief news story on TV, or a comment someone has said to me in passing. I dwell on the news story or the comment, thinking about what was said over and over again until I’ve completely blown everything out of proportion. I’ve realized that I need to make a conscious effort not to do this, mainly by distracting my thoughts (reading, thinking about something positive, talking to Savannah, etc…) so that I am not thinking about something that makes me angry. I even get angry at conservative Republicans.
It takes a lot of continuous mental effort to stay conscious of when I drift into angry, negative thinking. Negative thinking can be habit-forming, yet I’m sure that if I work at it long enough, I can train myself to think more positively. It’s similar to disregarding the voices. The more I made an effort to ignore them, to not engage them, and to disregard them, the easier it was to keep myself from being affected by their evil tendencies. The schizoaffective disorder has never been a physical battle, it’s all been in my mind. I’m not sure which is more difficult, training myself physically or mentally.