I remember last August when my parents flew out here to deal with Warren. Warren showed up first in the house next door with a huge narcotics deal that sat there for awhile. The heroin ended up being laced with tetracycline. The heroin was from Cali and it was laced in Mexico.
Warren never said anything to me, neither did Sue although they were together. My parents never told me they flew out here in August. They never said anything to me while they were here. A few weeks later, they left. They returned a month or so later and have been in Sunnyvale ever since. They never said they were actually here in Sunnyvale, as opposed to their home in Fort Collins. The few times I have called them by phone, they always told me they were in Fort Collins. My mom has also repeatedly mailed me letters in the mail postmarked Fort Collins, Colorado although she never mentioned any of the events since last August.
Instead, what she has done over the past few months has been to yell at me from the house next door, try to order me around, tell me what to do, threaten me and continue to refuse to leave me alone and stay out of my life. She repeatedly yells at me, “I love you!” The only problem with this (and it actually was pointed out to me by someone else over there) is that her statement is meaningless and a total lie. The woman who pointed this out said,
“What she (my mom) is really saying is not “I love you,” but rather “I HATE you.”
What I needed to do was every time I heard my mom shout those words was to replace the word “love” with the word “hate.” Over the next few days and weeks, it turns out that this was what she learned “love” was growing up. Her idea of “love” (at least in my case) was concealed hate, anger, and contempt [at her lot in life] that had nothing to do with me personally, other than the fact that I was her daughter.
To illustrate, the words “I love you” can have a completely different impact depending on whether they are said from the heart or merely as an empty gesture.
“The Wisdom for Creating Happiness and Peace” Daisaku Ikeda p.64
The person I thought of as my mom all these years (happy, friendly, sociable, well-read), was merely another facade masking the anger and contempt lying underneath her stone-cold exterior. It turns out that the same is true for my dad, as well as Warren and Jeff. Obviously, appearances can be deceiving but this was a deception of a particularly insidious nature. When I looked back, I realized that until now I had no reason to believe my parents or either sibling would be hiding anything. No one ever said anything to me and I had no reason to be suspicious.
The same holds true for faith. There may be times when we give in to self-defeat and our determination wanes, or when things don’t go as we’d hoped and we begin to feel anxious or fearful. But the important thing is to continue chanting, no matter what. Whether our prayers are answered right away or not, we must keep chanting Nam Myoho Renge Kyo, without harboring any doubts. Those who maintain such faith will eventually attain the supreme path and highest pinnacle of value and savor the conviction that everything unfolded in the very best and most meaningful way.
“The Wisdom for Creating Happiness and Peace” Daisaku Ikeda p.65