The past few days have been good days, especially in terms of my symptoms. Every time my husband asked me if I had heard any voices that day, I always was able to say “No!” It’s such a relief not to hear anything. I think I was getting to the point of acceptance, meaning that I felt like I had come to accept the fact that I would always hear voices, at least once or twice during the day. But these past two or three days over Labor Day Weekend were very good days! I didn’t hear anything! That’s very hard for me to believe, but it’s true. I do feel relieved, because I know that I shouldn’t be hearing anything at all. It’s just because of my illness that I hear voices.
I used to describe the times when I didn’t hear voices as “quiet” times. When it’s “quiet”, I feel better, and am able to think more clearly. I think one of the positive aspects of having this illness is that it has definitely allowed me to appreciate my life more when I am not hearing voices, and even sometimes when I am. It takes so much effort for me to ignore what I hear in my head, that when I don’t hear anything, I feel such a sense of relief. I am also able to enjoy my life so much more.
I’ve also come to realize that I can’t allow my own happiness to be swayed or influenced by what I hear in my head. This is easy to do. Often we allow our happiness to come from someplace outside ourselves. When this happens, we become dependent on whatever that external source is, and we do not rely on our inner selves to be happy. I often think that if only I didn’t hear any voices, or experience any symptoms of my schizoaffective disorder, then I would be happy. However, I need to learn how to be happy regardless of the symptoms I might be experiencing, otherwise, my happiness becomes dependent on my external circumstances, rather than my own internal state of life. When I can develop a state of life that can experience happiness regardless of my external circumstances, or regardless of what is going on in my head, then I can enjoy true happiness in my life.