I’m doing better today than I did yesterday. Yesterday I spent the morning working on my memoir and by the time John called me at 12:30pm for his lunch, I was too tired to think. It’s not that I get physically tired – all I’m doing is writing on my computer. I think it’s more the act of remembering my experiences and thinking about how to describe them. When I decided to take a break from writing yesterday afternoon, I slept for 2 hours! Every time I woke up, I wanted to go back to sleep. I didn’t want to eat lunch, I didn’t want to check my email, I didn’t want to chant, and I didn’t want to watch TV (I can’t stand daytime television anyway). The only way I can think of describing how I felt was that I didn’t feel like thinking. Thinking seemed to tiring for me, so the only thing I could do was sleep. If I’m asleep, then I don’t have to think.
I’ve noticed that in the past, the constant effort I’ve had to make to distract myself from the voices can be tiring. Maybe it’s the mental focus that’s required. Distracting my thoughts so that I don’t listen to what the voices are saying or engage them in conversation requires constant effort. At least in my mind. It doesn’t require much physical effort, but I guess that’s not the point. Sometimes I can’t help but dwell on the past, trying to make sense of what happened. Ultimately, there is no figuring out the past. The past is over, and now there is only the present and the future. I can take what happened, learn from my experiences and use what I’ve been through to educate, help and encourage other people. Thank Buddha for that!