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I Need Courage! The Times They Are A-Changin’

On Saturday John and I took John’s nephew miniature golfing in Sunnyvale for his birthday present. We had fun. We went late in the afternoon and the sky was overcast but it wasn’t too cold. There were a lot of people and a young boy was celebrating a birthday party. We started off behind two young blond-haired boys who looked about Dax’s age. They were having a lot of fun too! I took pictures and I remembered going there years ago when I was much younger. Golfland hasn’t changed much. I noticed a wide diversity of people on Saturday. I’m always reminded how diverse the Bay Area really is no matter where I go. I was glad to see other people smiling and having a good time. It almost seemed unusual in a way, or out of the ordinary. Maybe because I’m always affected by the voices’ negativity, harassment and anger. It seems odd sometimes when other people aren’t affected in the same way.

Yesterday I saw a news story on CNN about the murder trial of Jodie Arias in Phoenix, AZ. I’d never heard of her, but I saw video clips of her on the witness stand during her trial (that apparently started in Jan or Feb for a murder in 2008). I didn’t recognize her either, but it occurred to me that it might be the girl belonging to the voice who had been following me around all these years until a year ago February when she vanished and I didn’t hear her anymore. I really don’t know, but I suppose it’s possible. Maybe if she had plastic surgery to alter her appearances.

She is on trial for the murder of a boyfriend she had in 2008. She shot him 4 times, and stabbed him multiple times with a knife. She lied 3 different times about her story until she finally admitted to his murder. Her trial makes me think that if it really is her, she is most definitely a horrific monster. There is no other explanation except that she’s a psychotic psychopath as well as a pathological, habitual and compulsive liar. So are all the rest of the voices that I’ve heard over the years. Each one is worse than the other, if that’s even possible. What a bizarre nightmare.

I saw the news story on TV, and listened and watched her on the witness stand for a few minutes of her testimony on Friday. She’s not much more than an inhuman robot – there was no feeling, no emotion, no concern about what she’d done or the effects her actions had on her victim’s family (or anyone else for that matter). It’s almost as if there is nothing inside the body. Nothing human anyway. Definitely horrifyingly scary. It seems that the scientists, psychiatrists, doctors, and lawyers do little more than make excuses for her – looking for absurd, irrelevant explanations, and placing blame on others. How awful.

I left the house this morning to go grocery shopping after chanting for two hours and writing my monthly letter to SGI President Ikeda. I skipped February, but today I wrote a one-page, type-written letter describing briefly my progress with my memoir, my Buddhist practice with the SGI, and with the voices. I really needed courage this morning when I left the house, but I’m still not entirely sure why. I felt a little sorrow, but I couldn’t pinpoint the cause. I felt sad when I came home from Safeway and Savannah wasn’t here to greet me, even though I knew that I had left her at PetSmart. Strange. This is why I need courage. It was difficult for me to even say hello to the cashier at the grocery store. John and I have our therapy appointment tonight, and I’m really looking forward to exercising. It’s been an unusual day.IMG_0025

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