I went to my therapy appointment yesterday, and then to my Kaiser group afterward. Both meetings were helpful and encouraging. I talked to my therapist about Monday’s blog post. She had read over it, and we discussed a few of the things I had written about. First we went over why I started to rethink my book idea. I told her that it was mainly because of what my voices said about the book. They’ve said that it isn’t a good idea, and they don’t want me to write it. We also discussed what I had written on Monday about a contract with Jerry Seinfeld. She said that it isn’t a good idea to write about or focus on what specifically the voices say. She said it’s because thinking about what they say, trying to make sense of what they say, and writing about it gives them power. I know this is true, but sometimes when I write down what they say, it gets the thought or idea out of my head, and I feel better about it.
I got out of bed at 9am this morning. I heard voices as soon as I woke up, but this time I didn’t lay in bed quite so long like I did on Monday. I got out of bed, ate breakfast, and chanted for an hour. Then I made a lunch date with my friend in Sunnyvale for tomorrow. I also found another Buddhist quote that seemed to fit with my current problems. It reads, SGI President Toda often said: “Those of you who have problems or sufferings, pray earnestly! Buddhism is a deadly serious win-or-lose struggle. If you should pray with such an earnest attitude and still have no solution forthcoming, then I will give you my life!” This invincible conviction on which Mr. Toda was willing to stake his life inspired the members. I haven’t always thought of my Buddhist practice as a deadly serious win-or-lose struggle, but I think that in this case it is. I am struggling with the voices in my head on a daily basis, and for me to win in this struggle I need to have this same invincible conviction in my faith, and in myself.