I was a little out of sorts over this past weekend, and it took me a couple of days to recover. I had this expectation that on Friday, August 1st, the voices, the mafia, and all the people traipsing around after me would go away. When that didn’t happen, I became very upset. It is extremely difficult for me to accept the situation as it is, but when I went to my Buddhist study on Tuesday morning, I felt encouraged by another woman’s experience. She too had also been feeling frustrated – as if nothing was changing in her life in spite of all the effort she was making. She eventually was able to achieve success and accomplish the goals she had set for herself. Carla described how even though we pray and take action, we may still feel like nothing is changing in our lives. Yet, somehow we have set the wheels in motion with our daimoku (Buddhist prayer). At the right time, we will see the results.
I was encouraged by her experience because I have felt frustrated many, many times over the same issue in my life. I have felt as if nothing was happening in terms of making progress with the people who are harassing me and stalking me. All too often I have felt deadlocked in my life for years, stuck in a place that I haven’t been able to get myself out of, with nothing changing from one day to the next. John and I argued for awhile on Saturday morning. I told him I wake up every morning and listen to see if I can still hear “Loach” (the name I have given the mafia “thing” that yells constantly and follows me everywhere). I listen for the other soft, whispering voices as well, but every morning I wake up, and they are still there. I hate them. I wish they would go away and leave me alone forever. I asked John, “Who does this? What type of person? They must be psychotic!”
Living in their own drug-induced, delusional world, this small pack of miserable leeches clings to me desperately. I have no idea why. There is no logical reason – only insanity and their own miserable lives, rife with addiction, crime and who knows what else. In the end, their misery has little, if anything, to do with me. I became their focal point, their scapegoat, but they don’t know how or why – nor do they care.
What I realized yesterday morning after listening to my Buddhist friend’s experience, was that even though I do not see immediate change in my life or my environment, the wheels have been set in motion. Change is happening and it will become apparent at the right time. I am sure of it. I just have to be patient. Unfortunately, patience is one thing I lack.