I’ve been feeling angry lately. Not furious, just angry at the ‘voices’, at the people following me around, at anyone who doesn’t live up to my expectations, at how I think I’m being treated (unfairly at times) by my fellow Buddhist friends, at whoever I think is broadcasting my thoughts over the internet, and at everyone else for believing whatever contrived or fabricated lies the mafia have said about me. It seems like quite a bit, but this has been occupying my mind for the past few days and it seems like if I write about what I’m thinking and how I’m feeling, then it might not take up so much space in my head anymore. At least I’m hoping that’s what will happen.
I was hoping to be able to support the elementary school Buddhist group that I belong to with the SGI, but it seems that I am being “quarantined,” and should not place myself unnecessarily in the company of children. Perhaps because of the mafia voices? After a few days of being frustrated, upset and angry, I decided that maybe I should focus less on participating with the SGI and more on my marriage and my writing. After all, if I don’t finish my memoir it won’t get written and this is my goal. I want to be a successful writer, so I must write. I also want a happy, fulfilling marriage with my husband, and if I lose focus and don’t make any effort, I won’t have this either.
I get easily frustrated because I wish the voices would go away forever and leave me alone. There’s no understanding it, and I’m tired of feeling like everything is all my fault. I know without a doubt that I’ve done absolutely nothing wrong, regardless of what other people think. Fortunately, I have my husband John and my pup Savannah. I don’t know what I would do without them. I actually believe that Savannah is smarter than I am although she doesn’t have much to say. John and I are looking forward to my family reunion next week, and I’ve decided to make new “author” business cards to take with me to start my marketing campaign for my memoir.