Memories of the Past

John came home from work early yesterday, and we were taking a nap before working out and having dinner. I lay in bed thinking about what happened back when I was living in Southern California and the voices started. I began experiencing extreme paranoia and other symptoms of schizophrenia. Yesterday the voices kept telling me what a terrible person I am, and this morning I became discouraged. I thought about some of the mistakes that I have made in the past. I have made quite a few mistakes over the course of my life, but I don’t think I am a terrible person.

I think about why I want to publish a book about my experiences in the past, and the other people that were involved. I’m not sure what my intent is. Initially I felt like I should tell my story, but on the other hand I realize that it would only be from my perspective. I don’t know the whole story, so my account of the events would be incomplete. I’ve started writing a few short chapters, and I left off during the time of my second hospitalization. Yesterday, when I was lying in bed thinking about the past, I realized that all I have to rely on is my memory of disembodied voices, and a few pages of journal entries from that time. I think I’m going to keep writing. I have a couple of other writing projects that I can work on, so maybe I’ll finish those as well.

I went to my volunteer tutoring session this morning, and that went well. Reading aloud to my student reminded me of the children’s book I had been working on a few months ago. I went to a critique group for children’s book writers, and got some feedback on my story. I haven’t finished the ending of it. I’m sure it needs quite a bit of work. I have an appointment with my therapist tonight, so I can talk to her about what I’ve been hearing, and what happened in the past. We are also supposed to do a 15 minute exercise on mindfulness during our session. I’m looking forward to it.

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