Last night when I was in bed reading the book I just bought The Buddha & the Borderline, I heard someone say, We want you to take down your blog! I told my husband when he came back into the room. He asked me where I heard the voice from, and I told him it was a female voice that sounded like it had come from outside the window of our bedroom. John said to keep track of what I hear so that I can discuss it with my psychiatrist at my next appointment in a few weeks.
This morning while I was chanting, I heard someone say, Why doesn’t she just move back in with her parents? Sometimes it seems as if there are people who are talking about me or even to me, just not to my face. Occasionally I really can hear people talking in the parking lot outside, but most of the time I can’t make out what they are saying. When I hear voices that are just in my head, they tend to be clearer.
I remember back in late April when I woke up one morning, and my voices told me to move back in with my parents or they would kill my husband. They had decided that was the best thing for me to do. I never did, and don’t intend to. Yesterday I started writing my book. I only wrote one page about my attempted suicide while I was at UC Santa Cruz. I figured that could be the prologue. I came up with a title too. It’s called When It’s Quiet.
I don’t intend to live my life according to what my voices want. I never will. I need to be more disciplined, and continue to take things day by day. I keep chanting, and I will keep moving forward.