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Negativity

One afternoon, at the suggestion of my husband, I wrote down everything I heard the voices say. I took a sheet of notebook paper, and while I was writing articles on the computer, I would pause periodically to make a note about what I heard the voices say in my head. This was awhile ago, when I was hearing voices pretty regularly throughout the day. When my husband came home, I showed him what I had written down, and of course he didn’t understand much of it. Mostly I had written down bits and pieces of what I had heard, fragments of conversation, and incomplete thoughts. I tried explaining to him what each note meant, but when I looked back at it, it didn’t make sense to me either. It was as if I had just written down one part of a conversation, and the rest was missing. Sometimes when I hear voices, it’s as if I’m having a conversation with them in my head. When I write down what they say, my part of the conversation is missing.

I took my notes to my next appointment with my psychiatrist, and showed him what I had written down. He looked at the paper briefly, and his only comment was, “They are all negative.” Of course I knew that. It wasn’t hard to figure out, just by reading them. My therapist had also said that for most people who suffer from auditory hallucinations, the voices tend to be negative. I’m not sure why that is. For me, it’s almost as if my inner doubt, lack of confidence, and negativity manifest themselves as the very audible voices in my head. I’ve read in self-help books about how we have to use positive self-talk, and not be influenced by our own self-doubt. That’s exactly what these voices represent in my life, my own negativity.

I try to stay positive, and when I chant, I chant to challenge my doubt and negativity. Usually this helps. I feel better afterward, and have more confidence. My husband has often said that it’s too bad the voices aren’t positive, and that they aren’t telling me to do things that are good for me, like exercise, write, or listen to music. Unfortunately, that’s not the way it is. When I hear voices, I have to counteract what I hear with something positive, otherwise, the negativity can be overwhelming.

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