Over the weekend, I decided to create a weekly/daily schedule that I can follow to keep my days more structured. I printed it out so I can look at every day. So far it seems to be working. Slowly but surely, my schedule is getting filled up. I heard a few more voices earlier today while I was exercising and I jotted them down on my “To Do” list. They said We want you to give up on it. We don’t want you to write about it. Please don’t write about me. Someone is going to get killed because of it. My voices are trying to keep me from writing my book, but I feel strongly that I should write about my experiences.
When I was about 20 I attended a Buddhist meeting. Afterward we were encouraged to write down our goals and dreams for the future. I wrote down that I wanted to work for the United Nations. I had that has a goal for quite awhile, especially when I was in graduate school and interning in DC. I eventually gave up on that idea and made new goals for myself when I moved back to California. My life changed direction. Today I found a quote in my Buddhist newspaper about dreams. It reads, Unless your dream is something that will truly contribute to your growth and self-improvement, it can end up simply being selfish and egoistic, an empty wish. A noble dream encompasses happiness, truth, altruism and peace. It is, in fact, in the pursuit of these goals – happiness, truth, altruism and peace – that we formulate dreams of genuine value and meaning. Now I have new goals and dreams. I hope to manage and overcome my illness, share my experiences with others, and live a happy life with my husband. I taped the quote to my laptop so I can remind myself of my dreams every day.