Last night while we were having fried chicken and mashed potatoes for dinner, I heard a male voice that sounded like it was coming from outside our apartment. It was fairly loud, although I know that John didn’t hear it. He said, “Just drop the book idea, and no one gets hurt!” My first thought was Oh no. Another threat. This time about the book. I don’t like being threatened, I never have. Usually, I get angry. I didn’t say anything to my husband. We were watching TV and eating, so I just tried to ignore what I heard. Later, when when we were in the car driving to my therapy appointment, I told John what I had heard at dinner.
He wanted to know why I let it bother me when I know the voices aren’t real. Even though John always reminds me, and I know they are all symptoms of my illness, they still affect me. I can’t help it. Sometimes my reaction is automatic. When I hear a voice or voices, especially if they are loud and threatening, it is hard not to react. It usually takes some time to forget about what I have heard, and continue on with whatever I was doing before I heard the voice or voices. I also know that if the voices weren’t threatening me about writing a book, they would be threatening me about something else. It’s just something that I have to deal with.
John said it was like playing on a sports team and having someone come up to and say, You suck! You should give up! How do we react in a situation like that. Do we just go ahead and give up? Or do we fight back, and not give in to the negativity? Sometimes the negativity can be overwhelming. This morning I found a great quote in my Buddhist book that seemed relevant. It is one of my favorites.
When your determination changes, everything else will begin to move in the direction you desire. The moment you resolve to be victorious, every nerve and fiber in your being will immediately orient itself toward your success. On the other hand, if you think “This is never going to work out,” then at that instant every cell in your being will be deflated and give up the fight, and then everything really will move in the direction of failure.
We must be determined. Determined not to be defeated by ourselves or by anyone else.