I went to my monthly Buddhist discussion meeting last night in Cupertino. Two young men played an Afro-Cuban rhythm on the drums accompanied by a saxophone. We also discussed an article titled “Our Limitless Strength and Wisdom”. The article discusses the idea of never seeking our Buddha nature or enlightenment outside ourselves, and that whether we reveal our Buddhahood relies solely upon the depth of our own conviction and resolve, or faith. I chant every day to be able to strengthen my faith, yet sometimes I am not sure if I am strengthening my faith or not. It’s hard to tell. I told my friend Beth that John and I were going to be staying in Gilroy for a few months and then coming back to Sunnyvale when our house is ready. We plan to have a housewarming party when we’re moved in!
I also went to my group therapy yesterday. We had to go around the room and say what we were doing for relapse prevention. I said that I was making an effort to ignore the voices, and not pay attention to them. I still hear them. Yesterday, they said I had to choose between my dad and my husband. This morning, they said I wasn’t allowed to move to Gilroy. Last night, I wrote in my journal that when I’m in a better mood, it’s easier to ignore what they say, and not let them affect me. Also, I find that when I ignore them and don’t pay attention to what they say, I’m usually in a better mood. Funny how that works. My therapist said not to focus on what they say, that it’s all nonsense, and that I should pretend like they’re speaking to me in a language that I don’t understand. My husband says the same thing, that it’s all nonsense. I tend to agree, but it still takes a lot of effort not to listen.