Uncertainty About What I Hear

Sometimes I think I hear a voice(s), but am unable to distinguish if it’s just in my head, or coming from someone in the apartment complex. Sometimes it’s difficult to tell the difference. Even when the voices are just in my head, they sound very real, and often very loud. Sometimes I will hear a voice, and then not be able to determine what I heard. Occasionally, I will just forget what I heard when I try to recall it the next day, or even later that same day.

This happened today in the morning while I was chanting. I thought I heard a voice or two, but I couldn’t distinguish what they were saying, so I ignored them. Now, when I think back, I’m still unsure of what they said. I think it’s probably better this way. I’d rather not be able to hear anything at all, and if I can’t quite make out what the voices are saying, then it’s for the best. My husband usually asks me what I hear when I tell him that I’ve heard voices that day. I tell him, and it’s always the same type of thing that they are saying (e.g. we’re going to file a lawsuit, stop chanting, we’re going to kill you’re husband, etc…). I think that if I do hear something, and can’t understand what they are saying, then it’s just as well, since most of what they say is nonsense anyway.

Sometimes I think I should be listening to what the voices are saying, or that if I ignore them, I might miss something. I don’t really believe this anymore. I find that if I am consciously listening to what I hear in my head, it makes it that much worse. I have often become so caught up in what I am hearing in my head, that I stop paying attention to what is going on immediately around me. If I am with my family, I find it hard to focus on what I am doing. If I am with my husband, I’ll get distracted. In order to stay “in the moment”, I find it’s much better if I completely ignore what I hear in my head, and not worry about what I don’t understand or what I might have misunderstood. Then I can pay more attention to what is important in my life, and stay in the here and now.

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